Meditation, Depression and Happiness

I took a tae kwon do class in kindergarten, back before my parents even knew I had muscular dystrophy. Needless to say, I never progressed very far in martial arts. It was a great learning experience for me, however.

I started to learn the difference between left and right. By imitating the row of kids facing my row, I was able to punch with my left hand. I couldn't do a roundhouse kick, but I could at least use the correct leg when I tried.

My Bad Meditation Experience

That tae kwon do class was also my first experience with meditation. At the beginning of class, we were told to sit cross-legged and close our eyes for five minutes. We had to try not to think of anything during that time.

I hated those five minutes. They seemed to take forever. I could never manage to stay still for that long, so I always got scolded. At the end of the school year, I hoped I would never have to meditate again.

It wasn't until college that I attempted to make meditation a part of my daily life. I learned about Zen Buddhism in a Religious Studies class, and I wanted to try zen meditation for myself. I joined a zen meditation student group, and I began to meditate on my own as well.

I tried very hard to get something out of meditating. It was restful, but it never improved my mood. It even seemed to make me depressed. Before long, I gave up the practice. It wasn't until a few years later that I discovered what the problem had been.

How I Came Back to Meditation

I became very depressed after college. Although I had a vague goal of being a therapist, I was bored. I was taking classes to get into graduate school, but mostly I just regretted not having started sooner. I thought about my limited life expectancy with muscular dystrophy, and it seemed pointless to try to do anything.
When I started to have suicidal thoughts, I got help. I went to a therapist and got on antidepressants. In the process, I learned what had been making it so hard for me to meditate.

In college, I had avoided depressing thoughts by keeping busy. When I stopped to meditate, I felt depressed because that was my underlying state of mind. Meditation wasn't making me depressed; it was making me aware of how depressed I already was.

In the past few months, I have finally started taking meditation seriously again. I do it for at least ten minutes almost every day. It makes me happier and more relaxed. Meditation wasn't enough to stop my clinical depression, but now that I am better, meditation helps me stay that way.

If you aren't making progress in your meditation practice, there may be something wrong. Are you too stressed, angry or depressed to concentrate? If you have this problem consistently, get help! Don't try to face it alone. You need a support system of friends or family, and in some cases you may need therapy or medication. When you meditate, you get to know yourself better. If you see a problem when you look inside your mind, don't ignore that feeling. You might be trying to tell yourself something.